Such is Life; Life is Such

 When you nestle your pain, it seems too big to handle, when you see others, you realize, so many have so much worse. Time wasted or lesson learnt, it is for you to decide, the journey of life is not fair to all. 

If only and Maybe are parts of life, some days one wonders what if I had done this, said that or chosen this. Other days, there are maybes, maybe it was meant to be, maybe it was not meant to be. What we do not know is that time unveils these maybes in time only, your what if could never have been answered at the time, and the maybe that the divine answered now was meant to be answered in due time only. When those answers do not come, your friends come, with real life experiences, to boink the sense back into you. 

It has been a few weeks since Mehr has stepped out of home. Not sure if she feels let down or cheated or heart broken, She is Okay; atleast that is what she tells herself.

 She is home, but is she truly home? Not sure if she feels like herself anymore, she has been eating, sleeping, and doomscrolling mindless entertainment trying to be normal, trying to be herself. A blankness sits inside of her, a blank muteness. She has never felt this empty before , like something has been taken away, but she does not feel remorse, she does not lament, just goes on with life, one day at a time. Hoping it will all be better. 

*Instagram notification* Jasmine mentioned you in a comment

Jasmine was an old friend from childhood days, that Mehr had lost touch with for ages. Seeing the notification, she scrolled through the post she was tagged in. It brought a smile to her face after what felt like ages. 

'Maybe I should reach out to her, it has been a long while. She must have gotten busy with all the new changes in her life post marriage. Maybe she has a kid by now, or two, god knows', Mehr thought to herself. 

She thought talking to a friend might help her. Aneesh had his own worries, and Mehr had therefore tried not to disturb him. Friendships too undergo a phase of rebuilding when lives change, for better or worse who knows. Everyone has their own phases to live.

Getting back in touch the girls spoke for over an hour, Jasmine shared her life stories and the many challenges she had faced. Good bad and even ugly. Mehr felt rather worse, knowing what she knew now. Understanding another person's pain is impossible, but sympathizing is still doable. 

While Mehr was nursing a broken heart that did not even feel broken anymore, rather lost altogether, Jasmine had a failed marriage where it was not even her fault, and yet she was dealing with the consequences even after years. This was too much for anyone to go through on their own. Mehr did not know any of this, all this while she had Jasmine was keeping her life private possibly due to family restrictions as is the case with most Indian women. 

Mehr finally opened up about her blank muteness and lost voice. How she had ended up feeling hopelessly lost, cheated off life as the person she thought was going to be her person turned out to be someone completely opposite and terrible. The dream of family life sold to her was nothing more than an elaborate scheme, and the adoration she was given was infact a subscription her family was expected to pay for. Recalling a argument where the guy was a few drinks down and had accidently opened up about his observations on Mehr's brother's fancy car and house, Mehr could'nt help but squirm. In retrospect, looking back at the conversation she now realises, he had gauged her worth based on her family's lifestyle, love was secondary. 

"And you had to go over that conversation with your friends to understand that it was never LOVE?" ' Jasmine's voice had the accent of her eye roll loud and clear on it. 'Girl, you were smarter than that, when did you lose your brain so bad? If I want you because your brother has a fancy car or house, I don't want you. And this faggot, gawd knows, what if he later asked you to give him your brother'. Jasmine chuckled heartily.

Mehr could not help but sigh. Her years of loneliness and feeling unloved had made her believe this was her last shot at a happy life. She looked down at her hands, she felt her voice failing her. Jasmine could sense the desolation, she pressed her hand gently. She was trying to help Mehr talk it out, so she could finally find her voice and let go of the disappointment. Year ago, jasmine had been lonely and she had needed someone to hold her hand too.  

'He had some shifting to do, out of his shared apartment. I offered to help pack up and move boxes. There were a few he forbade me from opening', Mehr spoke. Softly, a little to soft. It was her curiousity after a strange night that lead her to opening the boxes anyway. In his stupor induced by 7 free drinks at work, he had blurted something about being into men, which baffled me. Without showing much reaction, I let him blabber his heart out over dinner and sat in silence and chose to look through his stuff later.  

"So you tried helping him shift and found his secret stash of faggot- ism toys that only a homo would be using" Jasmine chuckled. Somehow all the hardships had brought out a renewed sense of humor in her. 'Girl, you should RUNN.... I was married to one, trust me you do not want that.' "Pencho khushiyaan manaa k sach pata chal gya time rehte, shok kyu mana ri hai tu" Jasmine could not help laughing. 

"Umm, well he described that as a phase which had ended long ago- " Mehr stuttered, before Jasmine cut her off " Girl you blind or what? I ended up marrying a tool who's tool did not work. Dont' protect him cuz you fell for his charade or that of his family. It takes one to see one. Maine sach mein wo sapna jiya hai, jo tujhe dikhaya jara tha. Family, friends, love, respect, big wedding shenanigans and what not- Uske baad kya hua, I have  told you already" Jasmine was direct, she had been duped into a marriage with promises of a happy life to a man, who's manhood was questionable.

"This whole drama of wanting a big wedding, I have seen it all. Heck my attorney is still fighting to make the bastard pay back my money. These faggot guys from so called nice families need a big show-sha to hide there flaws" Jasmine was leaving no crumbs. 

Aneesh joined in with his 2 cents to the conversation too, being from the same community he knew the drill. Heck he had suffered a massive blow to his reputation, for actually being the nice guy and refusing a dowry. The extended family of his bride had murmered crap about him and his family being flawed for refusing what they called gifts. 

Aneesh and Jasmine hi-5 ed each other like some sort of veterans guiding a lost soldier that was their poor friend Mehr. 

"You feel like you lost your voice because you felt vulnerable. He sold you a dream of family life and love, that crumbled like biscuits in my chai. Panic attacks, anxiety are all normal, I even went through a phase of depression and gurll, this shit about therapy for everything, mark my words, was nothing more than a way to make you vulnerable. We women are emotional fools na, losing the dream of family life makes us do stupid shit. I stayed longer than I should have in that sham marriage out of the same fears so I know. ". Jasmine stated matter of factly with resolve in her eyes. 

"Nooo, I would not have wanted that- " Mehr tried to refute but fell short.  Jasmine may not have been in touch with her friend, but being a fierce girl herself, she had been through more vulnerable times in her life. "Bro dekh, family involve hoti hai na to log pagal bana dete hain. I was questioning my sanity for over a year. It was not easy, even for someone as strong and bold like me. Tu phas jaati to tu bhi khud ko pagal samjhti and mehnat karti. We all end up trying to make things work'. There was a certain understanding in Jasmine's words, which sounded far to mature for her age. Way too far. 
Mehr looked at her soft features, how much had a bad relationship cost her. 

Pain is not a game to contest who got it worse, the one who truly suffers, learns and tries to offer understanding and love. 

"In my eyes you were always Rachel Greene, beautiful, smart and talented,'- Anish started, "Lekin ab to tu Ross Geller hai! You did not know he was F*****g men. Like C'mon bro. It took moving heavy boxes and snooping through his personal items after a drunk confession from the guy himself for you to believe that" Thoda explore karlena tha." Aneesh laughed to lighten the mood. He wasn't wrong though, the signs were there, the guy spoke up, even if drunk, but she still wanted to believe his charade rather than evidence. "If it were a phase, why was the guy holding onto the articles or toys whatever and still on the app after years? Access is something you keep if you wish to go back, this guy was closeted and I can bet his family knew. Why else the drama for expenses if not to hide their faggot fuck of a son?" Aneesh was experienced in family dynamics more than both the women combined, his point was difficult to refute. 

Aneesh had sat through endless therapy sessions himself just to make things work, but what he learned was that bottomline is; Everything works when people want it to work, and without that will, nothing works.  

"Being mostly on call, how would you know. Easy for a guy to say', Jasmine continued, " Atleast you saw proof with your own eyes and that too in time. I should have also tried helping with party scenes while remaining sober and maybe  just maybe things would have become clear, before atually getting married'. "Pencho, bhasoodi se to bach gyi hoti. I kept questioning my sanity and my womanhood, believing even, that something was wrong with me." Jasmine sighed, but continued in the same breathe - "You know how frustrating it is to be questioning your own sanity when an entire clan of a family is sugarcoating their words to falsify your truth? You can't imagine, your own words fail you, you start questioning your reality" Jasmine had pain in her words. 

Jasmine gazed in the distance musing to herself, what she would have paid for a chance like this awarded to Mehr by fate. Had she learnt in time, she would not have had to go through the ordeal of marrying the wrong person, nor have had to put her family through the pain they suffered watching her uphill battle that has still not ended, and might go on till god knows when. The judicial system is a slow burning pot which delivers, often too late.

"Main to bet laga sakti hu bande ki family jaanti thi unka ladka meetha hai." Jasmine was losing her cool, going back in her mind to the times she suffered. 'People are effing insensitive, especially when they are in the wrong. Take your example only, the moment you said no to expensive shit, all of a sudden the entire family went from family to foe and forgot your existence. Mine morphed into hostile enemies, and made life hell. Bro, trust me, you haven't even scratched the surface of the misery greedy families bring on women." 

Mehr could not help but sigh, she could have never shared all of this with her family. They had warned about the greed they saw in the family, but there was no way they could have ever foreseen the real reason behind it. 

'Indian societies have a skewed logic, have a faggot son, live in denial,  just pretend to be naive and marry him off to someone with money to bring a good dowry and a child into existence. All to prove his manhood'- Jasmine added, matter-of-factly. Aneesh could not help but agree. He had seen some messed up stories unfold around himself in the courthouses, when seperating with his spouse. Thankfullyhis was not as dramatic.

Mehr just sat with her head in her hands, not sure what to think. She still felt cheated of the life story she had started to dream of, but seeing the ground reality made her question her sanity harder. 

Why do women buy in the story of love and family with eagerness. The idea of a happily ever after. And why do men with their confused sexual identity feel the need to dupe someone else to keep up a facade. The questions plagued her mind. 

'Itna na soch, duniya badi kamini hai. Tu baith k afsos kar ri hai, and wo kahin jaake bund mara ra hoga mazey mei. Girl, you should look at us, and be grateful you are not stuck like that.' 'Isko dekh abhi tak custody battle ladd ra hai' Jasmine nodded towards Aneesh. 

'There is no maybe, and there was no way for you to find out early on, like I did not know until a few weeks after my wedding. How I was only a pawn inthe giant scheme of someone who I thought was my person.' I may sound bitter, but I have learnt my lessons, and accepted fate. Shit was bound to happen, and it was not my fault. Telling anyone would only mean more questions on moral character because - Patriarchy. So F**k that shit and move on.' Jasmine was mixing wise words with raw slurrs effortlessly. This was a whole new personality trait /mehr had never seen on her formerly sweet friend. 

'People are gonna make assumptions anyway, whether you talk about it or you don't. You don't need to think of any of that. Just focus on being the best version of you.' Aneesh added. 'Lessons are important in life, and we all have our journey. At this stage even I do not know what these are for. I know earlier I would console you that it is for something bigger in life, but right now all I can say is forget the maybe, see the reality. You got saved years of heartache, knowing what Jasmine knows now, she would have easily traded places. But, that cannot be. Knowing what I know now, I would have never chosen my person. Everyone has their lessons and timing for each is defined too, what you learnt you could have never known earlier. Time tells what people hide, if not for the drunk confession, you would still be crying. This emptyness you feel is good, your kindness and love was taken from you. It will grow back in time. Had you not known the reality, you would have cursed yourself or your lack of money and lived in misery. God showed you their true colors. Love is not something you buy or pay subscription fee for, what was demanded of your family was a never ending subscription fee, get that in your head' Aneesh stated.

'What else, my In-laws got the grand wedding, extravagent gifts and a beautiful woman, yours truly me' Jasmine smiled a cheeky smile and continued, 'And yet, a few weeks in, they wanted the ownership of my parental home too. So please understand, greed has no cure, especially when you have a faggot for a partner. Mine was one. Achha hai na tere wale ko Chai-coffee se problem thi, daru pi k bhonk gya sachchai galat time pe. Agar chai pi ke hosh mein rehta to teri life barbaad zaroor kardeta. Mine spoke way too late, after I went to court. I pray no girl has to see that level of betrayal ever' Jasmine chuckled. Somehow this girl spoke about her pain with such optimism, as if it did not hurt. Yet her eyes spoke volumes, as if she wanted to save everyone, and maybe go back in time to save herself too. 

Schaden Freud is a term, where people derive pleasure out of someone else's misey. Mehr felt wrong for the relief that washed over her, after hearing out the deepest pains of her friends. But she knew this was not the same as Schaden Freud, her friends were sharing life experiences not to trivialize her sadness or compete; but help her broaden her purview of the blessings of life she failed to see. For this she was truly grateful. 

Mehr could not help but observe the deep pain that both her friends had endured in thier life journeys, and only thing that came to her mind was her little cousin and her favourite line; Such is life, life is such.