If Only

 If Only 

In hindsight, when looking back to some of the hardest situations of our life, every time we think If Only I could have gone back, done this, said that, stopped here or went on with that. 

Wiping away her tears in a futile attempt, Maaya looked at her screen with blurry eyes. Her voice was too shakey to command siri for a dial. Stupid electronincs, can't they just read the room and help dial your friend in need when you need them the most?

Calling Aneesh, the bell rang as Maaya waited for him to answer. It was late in the night as per Maaya's policy of calling friends, half past nine which was almost dinner time for Aneesh. He must be busy, she thought, but this could also not wait either. She did not want to be alone in this moment of vulnerability. 
"Am I cursed?" Was all she asked as she heard his voice.

"Happy New .....Year.." Oh wow! Someone is in a foul mood. Found another frog in a prince? 

Actually, no. Maaya knew her instincts had not lead her astray. And yet nothing was right either.
"Okay Okay, tell me what happened" Aneesh offered to listen to Maaya who was probably inconsolable at the moment. He knew her that much by now, and had been audience to her half crying vent out sessions. She would not and could not let herself be seen as a cry baby to the world. It was only a few people she felt comfortable with who she allowed herself to be vulnerable with.

"Okay so they actually showed sensibility and concern there" Maneesh remarked as he tried real hard to make sense of all the gibberish he heard on his end of the phone. While completely eloquent even when drunk, her words came out in a blurr at this instance as tear drops trickled down in a slow but steady flow. Each bouncing off her face and landing on her shawl as she stood in the January night atop her terrace. She could not and would not have her Amma see her like this. A total mess, blabbering like a baby because her heart was broken. Because this time it was time itself to blame it seemed. 

"This person sounds like a green flag to me Maaya" Aneesh could not help but make an observation out loud. 
He has been communicating everything with honesty and also taken into consideration what is best for you and him both. So not a F****G Jerk this time.
"Cheers to you girl. You actually picked a good one from the shitty dating pool of 30s" 

Maaya was breathing steady now and what Aneesh said, did make sense. "a win is a win" she sniffled, wiping her face with her sleeve. The cold air stung her face as tears cleared up her winter dry skin and exposed it to more breeze. 
"Exactly, a win is a win" Aneesh repeated as he sensed a change of mood. 

"But what if I do not want anyone?" Maaya pouted as the words left her quivering lips. This thought had occured to her so many times while thinking of the differences this new person had with her. They wanted different things, that had seemed oh so similar from a distance. 

"See that is something nobody knows. There is always going to be a what if and a maybe" Aneesh explained. Right now you are overcome with emotions, and I know these kind of situations can hurt. Especially knowing all the efforts that each of you put in. It is like ripping a bandage. You do it for the better, but only time will tell if it helps you heal or gives birth to a much worse infection. Right now all you can do is take time."

"Yeah right" Maaya said it in a way that Aneesh could almost hear her eyes roll. The beauty of friendship is such that even the miniscule variationsof the voice are so easily readable to the other. 

"I know it is difficult for you to accept things, especially when the other person has not done any wrong that you can blame. If you ask me, it is a good progress that you found someone so sensible amongst a sea of soulsucking cowards that only lie and make excuses. You are on the right track, lessons learned chapter closed. Go ahead little one there is so much to see"

"I am not little, so many people my age are even departed from the world at the moment, why TF do I get to learn so much? And where the hell am I gonna take all this wisdom to anyway? Like what war am I being prepared for with all these lessons?" She was right on that question. So many lessons we learn in life, seem so unnecessary, like when did we even sign up for all this wisdom anyway? Or what are we gonna do of it? 

"Oh girl, you silly silly child. You have no idea what a war life is. Ask me, it is a completely different ballgame if things fall apart after you play merry-go-round around the fire" Aneesh was speaking from experience and referring to the pheras customary to Hindu weddings.

"Honestly dating has started to feel so much like a certification programme to me now. Every 3-4 months there is a new lesson learned." Maaya went on (Aneesh could not help his laughter)

"Like if there is a god, what the actual F**K are they upto? What sadistic pleasure are the heavenly matchmakers deriving if matches indeed are made in heaven?" Maaya was in a lighter mood now with her humor coming up."

"And honestly in my opinion this person if given the right amount of time, could actually amount to . .  . . " Maaya trailed off, she knew she could think of all the if only and maybes in the world. The denial phase of grief where one thinks of all the logic there mind can come up with in order to remedy what is already done.

It was getting late and Maaya was getting cold feet for real. Not only about the proposed break up she had got but also the weather. It has been almost an hour she had been talking to Aneesh, and she felt lighter too. Plus tomorrow was work, and life has to go on. 

"Thanks for being there for me"
"Anytime girl. And don't worry, you have all the timein the world and your friends are always gonna be there for you" Aneesh said reassuringly. 
"Thanks and Take Care" Maaya smiled a little

"You too bud" Aneesh ended the call to go back to his now cold dinner. Sometimes, a little sacrifice is needed. And what are electronics for, if not reading the room, they can atleast reheat your food for you. 

Laying in bed, after almost 4 hours of back to back calls, going through hundreds if not thousands of thoughts and possibilities, Maaya was tired, and her head was throbbing with a mild ache, that usually follows a long crying session if you don't cry to sleep. Laying in bed, she contemplated all the things that went wrong, maybe they rushed into excitement, maybe she caved in under pressure and said more than she should have, If only she could go back in time and redo the whole relationship, maybe things would be different. She typed and erased her text that she wanted to send out. She did that a couple of times, before deciding to put her phone away. 
Maybe Aneesh was right, maybe a time out was their best bet right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to let something be so as to not risk causing further harm. 

For now she was content that for all her if onlys there was her friends who would offer her a comforting maybe. 

Maybe it is for the best, maybe god has a plan, and maybe you will have your if only in due time. Just live for now, nothing in life is gauranteed, not even life itself. 
And yet, we find ourselves musing, if only life was gauranteed. Then we would not be wondering, if only. And maybe then we would realise everyday is a gift, every connection a blessing, and sometimes, just some times they do turn around, if only we knew which ones and when.