Slipping away

Slipping away

Often we find answers when we are not even looking for them. 

"Man, the situation downstairs is terrible." Virat sighed, looking at Harman. His face changing contortions, worry clouding his face. He was going to have a long day managing and maintaining order with this new situation, that had just come up. 

"I know man, there was code violet announced in the critical care unit." Harman looked worried.

"Bhai Code blue hua and then violet" You realize how serious is that. We've had to send in someone from senior management with bouncers to handle the situation.

Roohi stared at the duo dumbfounded as to what were the talking about, bouncers are usually akin to a club environment for de-ecalation of brawls, she believed. Or at least that was her knowledge base till now. 

"Umm, Harman, what's code violet?" Roohi remembered code blue from her multiple runs of Chicago MD, the Good Doctor and ER. It was code violet she was unfamiliar with. 

"Well, every medicare unit has color codes for situations, Red for fire, Green for bio-hazard, Blue for medical emergency, and Violet is for violence." Harman puased to see if Roohi was able to understand what he just explained, her expressions were not exactly in consonence, while she nodded with earnest. 
"So when a code is announced, the teams incharge for the particular situation are alerted on all levels without creating any panic amongst the visitors." This time Roohi seemed to have gained some clarity. 

"So the bouncers?" Roohi was still curious.

"Well, security itself sometimes does not suffice, people tend to get aggressive when emotional.. . . . . . and hence we need muscle power for situation de-escalation." Harman pondered, looking in the distance before resuming. "cases lost in transition are a complicated situation. People do not understand, doctors can only do their best, money cannot buy life" He had been in the line of work, managing healthcare sector for over a decade and this was his experienced observation. 

Roohi could not help but agree, nodded in consent to the statement he had just made. Life is precious, and healthcare can be paid for, but that is it. Some things are beyond human control. This small discussion, has taken Roohi back in flashback to last night. She had been avoiding the thought, trying to drown herself into work and music,. The thought of death rattled her to the core somehow, and right now, the dread was again showing up on her face. 

"Earth to Roohi, Earth to Roohi. Madam, what happened?" Harman asked. "Madam, this is a healthcare facility with ER and critical care units. Death is a part of work here." "You do not need to get all that emotional okay"

Roohi tried to say something but words failed her. She took a sip of water, and tried again. Harman seemed all ears, a quality she admired in him, he did not let his seniority get in his way of being kind to his subordinates.
"Last night there was some commotion around mid-night in my neighbourhood. I was the the only one awake in the family at that time, double checking the main doors and windows before going to bed. A habit I've had for long. Anyway, so there was a lot of commotion I could see from the third floor window, and I decided to go down to check. A few men were outside, in oblivion of what was going on, the atmosphere had a grave silence. Someone suggested I go inside, being the only female in the crowd it seemed appropriate to them to send in the girl to check upon the weeping women inside. I assumed the quarrelsome couple had another fight, but inside the scene was completely off. They had lost their first child barely two days after it was born. I lost my balance and walked out fast, to find my dad standing outside, with the rest of the crowd. I told him about the situation, and soon the entire neighbourhood was in the street. I avoided the place like plague and ran back to home, hid in my bed and squeezed my eyes shut." Roohi trailed off. She had tried not to speak of the incident but now as the words left her mouth, she felt at ease, as if they had been gnawing at her skin from the inside.

"Why so?" and if you knew how rattled you get, why did you become a JR (Junior resident doctor), Should have taken up some coursework in management to get into administration instead." Harman had a point, why do something that would hamper your mental balance!

"Well, it isnt simple, I feel uneasy with not death, but the effect it has on people around. Emotional pain is personal. I can see myself getting hurt and manage it with ease, anytime I see a loved one getting hurt, I lose my shit." Roohi continued, "I remember, while I was a kid, I was visiting my grandma in the ICU, she had been suffering stage 4 cancer, the malignancy had spread to her body cavity. I fainted." 
Harman looked at Roohi with sincerity. "So how did you manage the second time you visited?"

Roohi fell silent, she recalled not being taken to visit again. "They never did. And she never came back"
"Must've been heavy for you. You did not even get to say goodbye" Harman looked at her with sympathy.
"Yes, that happened" Roohi was now lost in thought. Harman had to leave for another consultation meet, so he left. Roohi was left alone in her swivel chair with her thoughts of the conversation that transpired. She did have an empty space, a lack of closure, from the years that had gone by.

Her longing to have met her grandmother one last time to bid farewell, to smile at her once more, to ease her pain and let her know that she will be okay, and most of all to let her go in peace. Roohi realized, it was not the idea of death, but rather the abruptness of the end of life that rattled her, leaving words unspoken and feelings unexpressed. The emptiness that death revealed, in a brisk moment; laying bare all that was incomplete was what created the vibe of hollowness that disturbed Roohi.