Forgiving when there is no apology
Sitting with old colleagues at a reunion I still struggle to come with terms with what happened or rather was done to me as I drifted off to sleep in the company of someone I believed was a trustworthy friend figurine in my life, more than a year ago while on a journey which took away by gullible childlike nature away from me. What ensued on confrontation was a half hearted apology and a rather lame excuse. While this could have been the end, unfortunately confiding into close confidants ended up in more disappointment for me as the other person held an image. While their friendship was important to me, the entire episode came as a hard blow to my confidence, I was constantly questioning my actions, my promiscuity if there was any. The entire episode left me with a sense of loss of faith in me as well as my decisions of befriending people. I could only imagine the trauma people over the world could have possibly through when they finally chose to open up with the #MeToo movement.
The #MeToo and #WhyIdidntReport started a movement in their own. While men around the world whine about with #NotAllMen , a quick look at statistics and uncovering of the rape culture lurking around in our society one is forced to give the situation a deeper thought. Patriarchal nature of our society ensures, men are more often than not held responsible for any of their actions. While women, end up being questioned for their choices, and even blamed for what they are not even at fault for. More often than not, even within workspace, instances of derogatory remarks in the name of light hearted jokes are brushed off, after all men will be men. Women are also to blame, for accepting the degrading treatment and supporting sexist policies. How often we come across the moral policing treatment within females over silly issues like dressing sense or going out. A guy would never be reprimanded for being too promiscuous or friendly. Although, it does hold true, that harassment is suffered by men too, and those instances do not come to light, it is again to be blamed at the rape culture of not taking such instances with seriousness. In cases of violation of private space and harassment, usually the perpetrator is someone with an intimidating stance, be it their public image, physical strength, financial hold over the victim. Making it difficult for them to fully understand the consequences, as in the case of most under age victims who understand it ages later, or remain in a state of denial.
Thinking of all the posts I had come across the social media platforms, I was left baffled. But, again I also wanted peace of mind, for myself. I was thankful I had not braved any major bruises to my psyche unlike any of those women and men. I was carrying the burden of a bruised conscious and sense of loss; of my faith in friendships. Months of meditation and re-routed apologies made me accept what had happened and gave me sense of control over my thoughts and fears.
At the reunion, the same person sat in front of me and I had mixed emotions, as I had chosen to forgive the past and our intersecting circles imperatively mean that we end up facing each other occasionally. Also, it wasn’t the action but rather the person it came from that had affected me so deeply. Having chosen to break all ties with him, seeing him after more than a year I finally gathered the courage to let go. All the negative emotions I had held on to for so long had slowly drifted away and I was ready to forgive the friend who had betrayed me. Not for anyone else, but for me, and my own emotional peace. Avoiding any dialogue all evening, I chose to walk up to him right before the final goodbye. Giving him a piece of my mind, I did not know what to expect but, what I got was another denial. He claimed I was delusional and gave another half-hearted apology for he believed he had never done anything wrong. I chose to overlook the statement as it did not matter anymore for me to be right. What mattered was, to voice my opinion and close the chapter all at once. Not for the world, not for my circle, not for that person, but, for me. We all deserve peace in life.
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